boys;

im a real big, fan of yours
but im quite the joke to you

but girl it wasnt a joke when you kissed me in your room

and replied i love you too

im a little bit insecure from all of these mistreatments

but see im workin it out

but workin it out is so damn hard when your alone

-yourbiggestfan - nevershoutnever!

damn it. i wish it was just obvious and that you'd just tell me.
sometimes i wish men could see how hard it is to impress the

opposite sex. i mean, come on..a wise woman once said, "Gentleman

when you start to respect women, they'll respect themselves. That way

you both receive the respect you both need." Mrs. Handy said that. I never

knew how philosophical she was. I never took the time to get to know her

throughout my high school career. I guess the relationship I share with guys

weren't as respectable. It's hard to feel totally confident around men.
There is this one ...he's a special one..his ways are different.

I'm hoping he gives me the okay.

There's this other one..he's a sweetheart..I know what he wants
and I know what I want, but there's conflict..
He had second thoughts about our dating

and when those are sort of cleared up for him,

my thoughts get clouded and I have no i deawhat to do.
should ii wait for the guy i've known longer, but no signs?

or the guy i know who has the feelings,

but doesn't know if we should even have a relationship?.

okay, so i'm gonna leave my thoughts unanswered for now.
i hope everything in my mind gets sorted out.
speaking of sorting, i gotta do my laundry. i like loading it into the washing machine and stuff.
i just hate folding the damn clothes.

give me a home where the buffalo roam;

if only all days where as chill as the ones i have with friends.look at that, two kids sharing an ice cream while their friends are taking pictures. that faithful day..looking for a single, affordable prom dress.


anyways, that not the point at hand. it's so slow sunday evening and the sun doesn't go down for another hour or two. kinda reminds me of when i was about eleven or twelve back in san bernadino for a train stop for our vacation to arizona..except instead of a handsome, strapping lad of 16, it was my little brother sharing the ice cream with me in the blazing sun..thoughts of being a cowboy in a desert or being like Little Joe Carwright in Bonanza. Sweaty, dirty, and a cool shirt. I've always wondered what it would be like. living life by no rules except by the ones of nature,yourself, and the horse companion. it reminds me of Equus. Alan says,"I bet all cowboys are orphans."

sleeping under the stars, singing cowboy tunes, and sitting by the fire with your horse at your side. yep. that's the way. listening to the coyotes and rattlesnakes having a music battle and feeling that breeze through your hair as you take off your hat. tans? shouldn't care, the only thing you care about is getting to the next town alive. that's the goal 'very day..slowling rationing off your food and water.

think of riding off into that sunset..except it's not a parking lot..being epic..it's all a dream i wanna try, but maybe another time. i'll become a cowgirl.someday.

back to reality..of freaking school

sick day;

i havn't written anything since february.
i was about due for a check up anyways.

i'm watching bonanza right now while sitting and sniffling.
i was sick yesterday and instead of sitting at home, i decided to go out and help with paul's coach gift..

i got a haircut on sunday as you can see to your right. i like to say it's a carrie bob, but it's more of a rihanna bob..i'm gonna put highlights in it. not much of 'peek-a-boo' highlights like someone was hinting for me to get, but more of the 'above and below' highlights. i might go for through the bangs too. :]






wait wait, back up. SATURDAY! That shit was cool. It was CCS TRIALS at Gilroy High. I didn't partake in the event as I did two years ago, but boy that was fun. We took a lot of pictures. Kevin(kkkevinly.blogspot.com) got some of me tipping the hurdles on his blog.

<3>

family dinner

"always let your passion shine through"

. . .

okay, back to the present. sick sick sick. i still have to do all my goddamn homework. i have 24 journals to write for english, a packet for history and a make-up test tomorrow for Amer. Gov, and my photo portfolio is due tomorrow. AHH!

OMG, I just saw the commercial for TROJAN condoms. o_0
the most awkward commercial ever. you know how mimes have invisible objects..
so the condom was invisible after he pulled it out of the little package..and he mimes putting it on a invisible penis. o_0 "feels as if nothing's there"

so i'm talking to marlon on AIM.( hi marlon :D ) and he spent $140+ on a bunch of things today:

11 Blu-Rays & 8 X-Box 360 games

okay youtube..i mean, blogspot. :]

i leave you now with a picture of my pho shaped like a heart. sorry it's wittle.

he's too good for her;

he's too good for her.
i'm his type.
he loves me more.
stay away from him.


grr.. that girl needs to shut up.

kevin jonas you're mine. >:]

what a dream.

Christian Ninjadrops and Happyslip were at my house.
It was FANTASTIC. xD

valentines day;

I should be thankful for people who love each other.
Seeing pictures of people being together since January
kind of gets old and makes you think..What has this
holiday become?!
You hear girls bitching about how her boyfriend didn't
get her something or whatever. Or somethign stupid
like that. Or how teh boyfriend feels so guilty that he
doesn't have the budget to spent on the "woman he's gonna
marry, or the mother of his future 200 children"
I might sound like the cynic that hates
Valentines day, but I'm not. I'm perfectly happy
with all those people and my life.I dislike how
Valentine's Day became a hallmark
holiday about giving cards, roses, bears, and
any dorky thing.

Why can't people just say, "I love you. So do you wanna
go out and just sit outside and watch clouds with me?"
I'm not much of a person for movie dates and mushy junk like that.

I was gonna go out with a friend tonight.
My parents just ruined my plans with much more
drama that doesn't need to ruin the moments of love
of friends. I hate it....RUINING MY WEEKEND.
Deep frustration here. I want to go runaway to the hills.
I hope my friend reads this and understands why I'm totally bummed.
My friend's giving me this guilt trip. I'm gonna make it up. I promise.



Apart from the crappy holiday of "fake love",
I'm gonna walk to Target or Rite Aid and go buy something I totally
don't need..like a jock strap or something totally not
"Arleen-esque".I need to get out.

I realize I'm not happy with my life anymore.
I need to be someone else for a day. Some kind of change.
I can't enjoy my life as I used to. There's too much drama
and things to think about. There are too many people to please
and make sure you're gonna feel accepted by them.
It's hard to be yourself when you're trying to impress people.
I hope my boyfriend appreciates me and gets the hint.

I can't have a normal life right now. Drama Llama.
I feel like crying because of what's going on in my life.
I dont' have a freedom.

there's something i gotta say to you;

but i'm so afraid of what you'll do.

except it's not that way that aj sings it.
ugh. i hate how i feel.
i look happy, i give off that vibe.
but she knew..she sensed it..
"Your mind looks like it's not here.
Maybe it's your heart." -LB
yeah she sounds right.
that day i dreaded track practice
but the outcome came better than expected.
still sore anyways.

my heart aches.
sometimes, i think i prevent myself from
having fun to protect fromthe mindset that
"it's been done.what's next on the list of repetition?"
my internal playlist of songs
i've heard and never heard play
shuffle. repeat. shuffle.
one day i hear
"Happy Feet" -Dean Martin..
another comes"Better that We Break" -Maroon 5.


The simple poetry that you read
you probably cannot relate to.
Only until you really really
try to analyze and feel it.
It's when it gets to you.

Sometimes..I wish.
Sometimes..I don't wanna feel deep.
Other times.. I wanna be me, Arleen and nobody else.
Not a girlfriend, not your bestfriend or sister.
At times..I act happy so you can feel happy too.
Most of the time..I don't want you to worry about me.
I never want to be that burden.
All the time..I want to be that free bird.

You think you know me. You don't.
A response is, "I know I know." But you don't.
Not until you experienced it.
you can never experience me.